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Down and Out Weekend Hangouts: Borders Magazine Rack

So while your pals are at that hot new brunch spot laying waste to the unlimited mimosa rule what are you supposed to do?

Until they’re ready to start the free portion of the afternoon hanging out at the park, you can go to the magazine section at Borders. Not only does the time fly by, but it also gives you ample time to catch up on the magazines you are too ashamed to actually buy. Little known fact: the New Yorker is the same size as US Weekly (read: use it as a cover). So people think you’re bringing the magazine closer to your face because you want to get a better look at David Denby’s droll (yet un-snarky) movie review of Paul Blart: Mall Cop when in fact you are feeling sorry for Jessica Simpson and the heckling she gets in those high-waisted jeans.

Warning. Don’t look through the section “Stars: They’re Just Like Us.” Inevitably there will be a photo of Uma Thurman cramming Prada bags into the trunk of a yellow cab under the caption “They Pack Their Own Trunk!”. Or one of Mary Kate Olsen walking around with her bodyguards in the West Village under the caption “They Go Apartment Hunting!”. Or one of Brad Pitt taking Maddox to St. Bart’s for a father-son weekend of heli-jet-skiing off of Richard Branson’s diamond-encrusted speed boat under the caption “They Have Daddy and Me Day!”. There isn’t going to be one of of Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon packing sack lunches under the heading “They recession-bust lunchtime!”. And then you’ll you just be sad.

p.s. One of these is actually real. Guess which. Here is the answer.

Just Kidding. I’m Actually a Baller.

Some people read my blog and are like, could anyone really be that down and out? For all of my concerned readers, I just wanted to say: What. You thought this blog was for real? I was totally kidding. This is my real blog:

www.Balling-Out-Of-Control-Without-A-Care-In-The-World.com.

ps. Don’t try to call me this weekend. 50 Cent and I will be busy gold-plating our garage doors.

You Are Totally Not Alone In Your Despair

598,000 people lost their jobs in January.

A job fair in Germany.

Fair Weather Associates

Did you ever notice that when you start telling people about being unemployed, they start acting differently towards you? Like maybe you don’t get invited out as much, or maybe people don’t return calls as promptly, or maybe they recoil in disgust when you tell them how much time you’ve been spending at the public library.

What is it all about? Here’s my evolutionary explanation for why people are so fair-weathered: So back in caveman times, humans were out there on the Serengeti like any other animal. Imagine you came upon a pack of lions. Would you want to be with the cavemen with the iron tools and woolly mammoth blankets? Or with the ones gnawing on tubers and fashioning vests for themselves out of tree bark? I guess it was better for survival to make the lions think you were distanced from the tree-bark-and-tuber tribe.

“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t be caught dead with anyone from the bark vest tribe.”

Conclusion: Your friends are being fair-weathered for their own survival. Either that or they’re just assholes.

Top Ten: Downtime Activities Of The Unemployed

Some would argue that all time is downtime when you’re unemployed. I beg to differ. Below, my top downtime activities for when I’m not actively being unemployed.

10. Timing how long it took to regain the will to live today

9. Wondering how much that lady who is rummaging through your recycling gets for those glass bottles anyway

8. Counting how many other people you know who are unemployed

7. Going to Borders to buy another notebook for the list of your unemployed friends

6. Reading the news to hear about other down and out people

5. Basking in the great sense of accomplishment after crossing out “pick up stamps at post office” on to-do list

4. Picking up loose change

3. Counting how many things you have in common with senior citizens now

2. Understanding why people are so into Days of Our Lives

1. Wonder how much cash you could get for your gold

Best Free Hobbies: Crying

Michelle Williams is balling with Oscar cred and I'm on the Sci Fi Channel.

Daily Humiliations

The other day I was walking in front of these two ladies. I overheard them talking. One of them was saying she had a great job opportunity.

Lady 1: What’s the job?

Lady 2: You know those people who sign in visitors in prison?

Lady 1: Yeah. So what do you have to do?

Lady 2: Sign in the people who come to visit inmates.

Lady 1: How much are they paying?

"There's games beyond the fucking game."

Then Lady 2 proceeds to reveal how much you get paid to sign in prison visitors. The salary for this person– again, the person who signs in visitors at a prison– is more than what I made as a journalist. I am not going to say how much the amount was. For my sake and for the sake of destitute journalists the world over.

Reader Appreciation

Just wanted to send a shout-out to that person who found my blog by googling “Wearing Sweatpants.”

They're comfortable, okay?

You’re Not Alone In Your Despair

In an effort to let all the down and out people in the world know that you aren’t the only one in despair, observe: Even champions cry.

Roger Federer crying after his loss to Rafael Nadal at the Australian Open.

“Mirka and I will be holed up in our chalet eating kugelhopf and nursing my wounds until the French open.”

Keep Your Mind Off It

Sometimes I think when I’m not looking for a job, I should be doing something constructive with my time. Like exercising. Or reading Doris Kearns Goodwin’s “Team of Rivals.” But some things are better at keeping your mind off being unemployed than jogging or Lincoln bios.

America’s Best Dance Crew is Quest Crew

Public Library Population Breakdown

AGE:

18-35 = 5%

35-65 = 10%

65 + = 85%

ATTIRE:

Sweats = 80%

Fleece = 10%

Jeans = 5%

Burlap = 4%

Series of Tote Bags Stapled Into a Skirt = 1%

HYGIENE:

Good= 80%

Some of Your Breakfast is on Your Sweatshirt= 15%

Just Because You’re Used to the Smell Doesn’t Mean I Am= 4%

Please Stay in the Reference Section= 1%

RIP, The Hardest Working Man In Union Square

When You Don’t Want To Be Poor Anymore

Sometimes I go out to dinner with gainfully-employed people and we start talking about how I am quitting journalism and am thinking of becoming a lawyer. Then they start telling me what a prestigious job journalism is and that if I just continue to follow my dreams, the money will follow.

That’s when I say, the only time the money follows your dreams is when your dream is to get an MBA. Then, after I watch you speed away in your Mercedes SUV, my Honda Civic and I will be puttering back to my house to satiate my hunger by nibbling on my prestige.

Stuff Lawyers Say When You Tell Them You’re Considering Law School

So, like all freelance (read: unemployed) journalists, one of the options I’ve been considering is law school. I’ve been asking people around my age who are already gainfully employed as lawyers for advice. Here’s how that conversation usually goes. ps. These are direct quotes.

Me: So I’m considering going to law school.
Lawyer Friend: HA! Sorry, I thought you just said you were thinking of law school.
Me: I did.
LF: Oh. Well, I wouldn’t say not to do it.
Me: What would you say then?
LF: It’s just that you have so much else to live for.

Public Library Watch

To everyone who says to me, “How awesome. You don’t have to work?” Today’s dispatch from the library:

There is only one stall in the lady’s room here. Today when I went in there, someone else was occupying it.

When I came in, she said, “Is there somebody out there?”
Me: Yes
Public Library Lady: You better leave.
Me: What.
PLL: I may be a while. You better ask if someone can open the men’s room for you.

Then, a noise. Followed by. A smell. Followed by. My hasty retreat.

TOP TEN: Pitfalls of Wearing Only Sweatpants

When you’re unemployed, it’s tempting to wear sweatpants everyday. The same sweatpants. Without changing. It’s not a good idea.

10. You can’t tell how much Cheetos dust you’re carrying around on your pants

9. Fleece starts looking like acceptable formal wear

8. Plaxico Burress jokes aren’t funny anymore

7. Elastic waistband expands and contracts with your weight. Mostly expands

6. Takes more than a lint roller to remove the fibers that have grafted onto your skin after you watch the entirety of The Wire: Season 4 without moving

5. The lady in the reference section of the public library who carries her tax returns in a Trader Joe’s Bag asks you where you bought those cute pants

4. Wait, did I shower today?

3. Volume of material in sweatpants leads to (un)pleasant discoveries in its folds

2. Wait, how long has that Cheeto been in there?

1. Wait, there’s the remote

Public Library Watch

There is a lady here who wears about seventeen layers of sweatshirts tucked into a fleece skirt. Her position is at the computer terminal where you look up book titles. The other day my boyfriend and I were sitting at the table closest to her. She yelled at us for “sitting in my eye line.” Then she got up and got one of those coffee table books from the art section and stood it up and opened it so she wouldn’t have to look at us. “We understand completely,” I said. “We wouldn’t want to distract you from the consuming business of hitting the return key for four hours straight.”

More Down and More Out Than You

When you’re down and out, it’s instructive to see people who were more down and more out than you who survived (sort of).

“I’m just a beat up piece of meat.”

Daily Humiliations

Today an employer asked me to send them my diploma.